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maximusI
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Name: the holy pope
Birthday: 4/29/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: spreading the Good News to the faithful
Expertise: preaching
Occupation: Other
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
2/26/2006
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| With the grace of Peter and from his historical chair, I, Abbethus Maximus I greet you, my flock, with the peace and goodwill of Our Most Heavenly Father, Master of the Known and Unknown Universi. In the spirit of the upcoming Holy Day of Christmas, My Excellency wishes to address the proper preparation for this sacred celebration in the season of Advent. Traditionally, this season has been a time of restful anticipation of the coming of Christ two thousand years ago, however the current mode must be considered; that is, the deliberation and waiting agony of this season must not precede its joy. It is with this noble and holy cause that My Holiness declares it the religious duty of every truly devoted Christian to indulge in the practice of consumerism, joyfully spreading the love, bounty, and wealth of the season to the less fortunate around us, including the Sacred Church, our families, and the Papacy. In the spirit of generosity and holy charity, cheques may be made out to Your Holiness Abbethus Maximus I.
My Excellency first addresses the social morality of consumerism as it relates to a generous sharing of wealth. In support of low-paid workers, My Holiness mandates the patronage of discount marts such as “Wal?Mart” and “K-Mart” as well as other businesses (such as “The Gap” and “Calvin Klein”) which provide needed jobs at discounted salaries to unemployed, underprivileged members of foreign societies, especially in China. The business practices of these companies, including underpaying their workers and providing sub-standard work environments, contribute to the robust, growing economy of the United States and many other faithfully capitalist nations. Through patronage of these discount supermarts, US Catholic consumers can provide a support for minimum-waged workers while accumulating goods at a severely discounted price.
Catholics should also ensure the material satisfaction of all of their friends, family, and co-workers, maintaining a spirit of goodwill and donation towards all of their fortunate beneficiaries. This spirit of giving and sharing of possessions will fulfill the mandate of Jesus Christ Our Lord to give up our belongings and follow God through the body of His Holy Church. For the Scripture sayeth: "Let there be no discord among you; let your light be shown to your neighbors in gifts and packages." (Jeremiah 7:3)
The true spirit and life of the season of Advent can be thus found in the practice of consumerism. Every member of the flock of My Excellency should examine his heart and conscience to determine if he is truly prepared to celebrate the coming of the Lord among us in his birth two thousand years ago and his rebirth this coming Christmas morning.
All things to the contrary notwithstanding.
This instruction was mandated through the supreme pontificacy of My Holiness Abbethus Maximus I and should henceforth be observed immediately by all concerned.
Love from,
*personalized signature*
Abbethus Maximus I
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| With the grace of Peter and from his historical chair, I, Abbethus Maximus I do hereby greet you in the sanctity of the papacy. My Excellency, in light of recent turmoil and international strife, wishes to present a humane, effective, and Christian solution to the resurgence of such evil a communism, international diplomacy, and Islam. My Holiness presents a solution to these problems and more as has been revealed to My Excellency through the grace of Our Moste Holy Father. This campaign will effectively obliterate each of these morally seditious factions and will display the devotion of God's Holy People to creating a democratic, peaceful, homogenous, and purely Christian world thereby ensuring the pleasure and grace of God to fall upon both the Holy Catholic Church and the United States of America, entities which avoid all of these evils and persecute evil-doers as unmentionable in polite society as Muslims, Saddam Hussein, Mexicans, the poor, homosexuals, and adulterers.
Extensive prayer, acceptance of international homage, and a deep religiosity has recently revealed to the dominant, highly devoted protectress of the free world a tool to provide safety and Christian religious freedom to all parts of the world who follow Our Lord Jesus Christ through morally-sound practices such as capitalism and democracy. The campaign will employ methods including a line of Bishops' Ballistics (formerly nuclear weapons and inter-continental ballistic missiles) and Papal Parables (formerly biological weapons) as well as Cardinals' Caravans (armored Humvees, which incidentally will provide employment for several hundred Americans through the practices of capitalism and assembly-lineage) and Jesus Disks and Throwers (grenades and launchers) to eliminate all the forces of evil in the world which promote and propagate evils such as violence, sin, hatred, desire for dominance, greed, and adultery.
My Holiness' campaign to eliminate evil will carry the slogan "Nuke 'em 'til they glow!", a very witty reference to Bishops' Ballistics and Papal Parables coined by two deeply devoted members of My Excellency's advisors. This reference should be stated in every pastor's sermon to spread the message of God to all His faithful flock.
All things to the contrary notwithstanding.
This instruction was mandated through the supreme pontificacy of My Holiness Abbethus Maximus I and should henceforth be observed immediately by all concerned.
Love from,
*personalized signature*
Abbethus Maximus I
(designed by faithful Sister Katherine of the Drinking Fish)
The above shall hencecforth be knownst to all the faithful as the symbol of the Holy Church's crusade against the hatred and violence of this world.
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| With the grace of anointed Peter, and from his historical chair, I, Abbethus Maximus I, greet you, my flock, in all the sacred wisdom of the Most Holy Office of the Papacy. My Holiness wishes in this encyclical to determine, assert, and enforce the evils contained in a most heinous act of sexual misconduct and deviance. This act, which presents a grave danger to all immortal and mortal souls, shall herein remain unnamed, so as not to permit thoughts of unclean and expressly forbidden piece of vocabulary. The unmentionable sacrilege seems to have become ever-more acceptable in the satanic, blasphemous, seditious world outside of the traditional and sacred confines of Catholic life established y the papacy to promote the omnipotence of the Vatican and to provide a protection for the children of the True Church of Jesus Christ.
Let it be known to all followers of the Papacy and Our Lord that the performance of this act, which involves an express rejection of the life-giving power of God the Father and Creator, is a grave act of immorality and presents the peril of eternal damnation to the burning abyss of Hell. This unnamable act ends potential life, and designates the performer as one who rejects his divinely appointed ole as father and creator in the image of God the Father and Almighty Creator, and this rejection is in itself a sin against God and should be considered carefully before the Most Holy Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation. It is imperative that each who has the past committed this grievous sin should be subject to public judgment; the privacy of the confessional is void with an act so detrimental to the future of human welfare.
The punishment for offending persons shall be nothing less than the execution of the offending organ by method of traditional castration, as dictated by the Sacred Scripture of the Most Holy Roman Catholic Church: “Amen, I say to you, if your hand causes you to lust, cut it off and throw it away. And if your penis causes you to sin, castrate it and have no more, for it is better for it is better for you to lose one part of your than for your whole body to be thrown in hell.†(Matthew 5:28-30) In this manner, we the foundation of the Church of God strive to uphold the sacred principles outline by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit and the teachings of Our Lord, Jesus Hallowed Christ.
In accordance with these teachings, My Excellency has determined circumstances in which it would be morally permissible to perform this act of pure self-gratification. Henceforth, it can be allowed only in circumstances in which the potential performer is in dire pain, or to avoid the act of sexual intercourse outside of a marital union, or within the sacred confines of a consecrated building, such as a church or the Papal Apartments.
All things to the contrary notwithstanding.
This instruction was mandated through the supreme pontificacy of My Holiness Abbethus Maximus I and should henceforth be observed immediately by all concerned.
Love from,
*personalized signature*
Abbethus Maximus I | | |
| Any of the faithful wishing to be granted celestial assumption should complete this form and send it, along with a certified money order, to theholypope@gmail.com. Even if you feel that it is not currently a convenient time for your departure, do not hesitate to fill out the form, as it may take a lifetime of devotions and donations in preparation for assumption.
Name (If your name is not a traditional ((ie: from the Holy Bible: Catholic Edition-Edited and Revised by My Holiness)), please don't bother filling out the rest of this form as it will be impossible for you to achieve assumption):
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Amount of money entrusted to the Vatican upon your death:
Age and expected date of assumption:
Political Clout (Please rate on a scale of none to disgusting amounts):
Expected Future Donations to the Vatican or Papacy:
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Why do you feel that you are a good candidate for assumption?
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| "You'll be working off your karma for a thousand years as a dung beetle just to evolve to the point of being dense." -Lamb
My Excellency wishes to impose upon my flock the importance of this statement in judging good and evil in literature. The Holy Roman Catholic Church does not teach the belief of karma, so it is therefore intrinsically evil, and since it is mentioned in this piece of literature, this book is intrinsically evil.
My Holiness is currently compiling a list of inappropriate literature that will henceforth be forbidden to be read by any of the faithful. My Holiness has abandoned the principles of rating works with labels that mark something as acceptable for certain age groups and maturity levels because My Holiness feels that it is more appropriate to label something as pro-Catholic and Vatican approved or anti-catholic and unacceptable. These labels will apply for any age and anything deemed appropriate will be acceptable for any member of the Catholic Church. As it is written in the Holy Bible, "For the hand shall fall and judgment shall be passed, and if he is pleasing to the Lord, let him be so, but woe to he who displeases the Lord, for he shall fall and be found unworthy of the kingdom." (Exodus 37:17) and "Amen, I say to you, the kingdom is at hand. Let there be no difference among you, and any difference, amend and make just." (John 21:27) If any has any suggestions as to which works of literature to include on the list, please email them to theholypope@gmail.com along with a brief explanation of why the work is objectionable.
Love from,
*personalized signature*
Abbethus Maximus I | | |
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